In my previous write up, I had mentioned a line in the passing from a student that often comes back to me. “God, I just really want to go downstairs to play tennis”. Between sobs and broken sentences, this child really wanted to have one hour to herself. The whole hour of counselling was about this one hour, that she desperately needed. As a child, I used to see my mother return from work and there were days when she would absolutely lose it. She’d be wired, restless, snappy and exhausted. All the correct advice in the world and logic wouldn’t work. Between work, household chores, parenting, and the other responsibilities that come with adulting, she would spiral. However, when she’d return from the spa or a long walk the energy that she radiated was very different. More grounded, loving, receptive and relaxed. These were of course phases but it’s a phase we all experience at one or the other point. A child is no different.
As professional therapists, supervision and personal therapy are two safeguards that we keep intact to continue to care from a place of love and not, resentment. But when my cup is depleted, to say that it doesn’t impact the quality of care or my interpersonal dynamics would be a bold lie. Sometimes when teachers have back-to-back classes plus a lot of work at home, they also snap. The same situation which could be handled with tact in the classroom unfurls the worst from within them. We’ve all been there. Struggling for time for ourselves once in a while or as a part of a phase of life. They challenge our mental capacities. But when our cups aren’t running empty, some of the worst challenges can be handled very effectively.
Recently, a video went viral on Instagram depicting a toddler having a massive breakdown because homework and tuition work had overwhelmed her. It was amusing for us but for the child, this exhaustion was real. Not an attention-grabbing technique. Parents, teachers and kids need breaks too. Especially for those who want me to get their children to be mega productive. Working all day, husting (popular gen-z term) and producing one thing or the other. Children are not free from the entrapments of capitalism. Sometimes, they snap. They need breathers too. They also need days where they can ‘be’, whatever 'being' is. The same girl whose narrative I mentioned at the beginning was taken by her mother to the Oxford Bookstore in Connaught Place. This had nothing to do with me or any intervention but I believe, the natural maternal intuition that she had for her child. She left her there for a few hours on her own. This too, a big deal as most parents feels that alone unsupervised time for a teenager leads to catastrophe. But if you (voluntarily) provide a little bit of freedom with structure, guess what? The child doesn’t feel the need to rebel. It’s one of those reverse psychology things, I believe.
The same student returned to the session a few days later. I was worried that the exams will intensify her anxiety which she was already struggling with but this act of her mother’s had a strong impact. She was lighter. Happier. Saner. In those few hours at the bookstore, she could use her ‘mind’ to think of thoughts that she wanted to think of, read books that had nothing to do with exams and teachers, get lost in the storyline of those characters and withdraw from reality. This withdrawal wasn’t a pathological withdrawal where she has become dysfunctional. Rather, this temporary suspension of productivity helped her return to studies with a renewed vigour. It gave her something to look forward to as exams were going on. It allowed her to keep various anxieties at bay, concentrating on work because there were a few hours in the day that she could look forward to without intrusion. Sometimes, these small breaks are necessary for one to reorient one's thoughts in order to function optimally.
This is where empathy is very important. I see this in my clinic and I see the same in schools. Parents often work with this notion that the child is an anxiety-free subject. Afterall, they don’t have bills to pay. Their tuitions, the parent is paying. The investment, all made by the parent. The sacrifices? All made by the parent. Sometimes parents envy the freedom of a child. Parental envy isn’t spoken about extensively in mainstream psychology but we know from clinical work that it’s very much there. Bills, responsibilities…adulting. It’s hard. Many of them have so much to do while the child is lounging. They respond to their own feelings by taking it out on the child who may have issues and difficulties that may be huge for them from the point of view of their age group. The least they (the parents) expect is good marks and a motivated child. This is where parental amnesia in some and empathy derived from a parent’s own experience of growing up allows one set to handle the same issue more reflectively while impairing the other set. Both spaces surprisingly not also lead to different outcomes.
X was a former client of mine who had come with some disturbing difficulties. As we interacted with the parents, the tussle between an adolescent who wants freedom and parents who want an obedient child emerged. Towards the end, the transformation we envisioned or even a middle ground couldn’t come through because the parents couldn’t create the room for the child’s exhaustion from their expectations. If they could have simply sat and felt their child’s emotions, ninety per cent of the work would have been accomplished. Just simply feel even if they don’t understand, logically. Feelings anyway cannot be understood logically. But this resistance to entering the child’s universe did the opposite of what they wanted. It made their child more distant. Growing up, they never complained about anything to their parents. They were good kids. So, now – how can she? So, we see how one parent could understand the child’s frustration and tactfully respond to it without support while despite help, the other set could simply not see the child as a human who also wants to do things besides studying. Like watching Netflix or going out with their friends.
Over here, I am not reducing parental anxiety as raising a child in this economy is difficult. Nor is this an anti-parent write up. It’s simply an attempt to articulate and express the subjectivity of the child who may not always be able to express these nuances. Children need to develop their academic skills and enhance their performance. But, the point of this write up is to tell you that they do. They very much want to do those things. They may not earn salaries and pay their own bills. But it’s work nevertheless. Plus, they’re dependent. Their lives depend on their parents and families. If that’s not scary then what is? The point is – they need breaks too. Very much like you. The frustration you experience when work deadlines run over and spill over into your personal life, leaving room for nothing else. That frustration, most of us experience. The feeling of sanity (return) when we get a break from work and family by meeting friends or doing something else alone, that too we have experienced. They need the space to develop their non-academic selves, which may sometimes be in contradiction of what we desire but may enrich their evolving self as well as studies. Learning is enriched, not obliterated with a little bit of freedom.
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