In recent months, through my counselling practice within at School, I’ve noticed an increase in cases of anxiety and stress, particularly with exams fast approaching. Often, I find myself caught between the child’s emotional needs and the parental expectation to improve the student’s marks.
However, counseling reveals an entirely different concern—the child is more preoccupied with a recent heartbreak than with hisnor her grades. This isn't an isolated case; countless sessions have focused on the lack of focus caused by this common experience. As mental health practitioners, teachers, and parents, many of us are aware of this reality in a teenager’s life. Yet, due to our own fears and experiences, it’s often seen as a distraction and frequently dismissed.
Adult fears regarding the romantic pursuits of teenagers are not without merit. From STIs to navigating risky situations such as violations of consent, the transmission of private images on social media, and early exposure to content that may be difficult to interpret, these risks must be acknowledged. Before critically examining the phenomenon, it’s essential to recognise these fears. In a generation where many previously taboo topics are now openly discussed—sometimes, to a fault—these adult anxieties are often dismissed as outdated or regressive. While some of these concerns may be just that, the protective intent behind them should not be overlooked.
However, when these concerns are exaggerated, they often lead to new challenges. Secrecy, built on internalised guilt and shame, is one example. Frequently, a teenager has legitimate questions about his or her experiences, but the fear of retribution or, worse, being deemed immoral—common in many homes and social systems—creates an environment where exploration, experimentation, and communication take place in isolation. In these instances, adult intervention, especially when parents or facilitators are able to provide a balanced perspective, can make the difference between a child who is emotionally equipped to handle their feelings and one who hides, denies, and conceals their problems.
It’s important to recognise that these scenarios can also mark a turning point in a child’s emotional growth and development. When a teenager opens up about their struggles, it can unveil deeper issues. Often, they are not seeking romantic love or engaging in something “sinful”. Sometimes, they are simply yearning for connection. To truly understand this, adults must be willing to reconnect with their own adolescent experiences. Only by reflecting honestly on our own emotions can we move beyond a moralistic lens and approach the situation with greater empathy. In contexts where a teenager’s emotional world is often neglected, misunderstood, or undervalued—especially in households where a parent is focused on earning a living—dating can simply become a way to have someone there to listen to their day-to-day experiences and emotions.
It’s essential to acknowledge that parents, especially in nuclear families where both parents work, may not be neglecting their children intentionally. Instead, it is the collateral damage of trying to create a life that provides structural convenience and financial security for the child. Similarly, we cannot blame teenagers for their emotional needs. Development is not just about physical needs like food, clothing, and shelter—it’s also about being seen, heard, loved, and understood. I want to emphasise that, on the surface, a teenager may seem to desire romantic love, but this need may actually stem from a lack of love and understanding in other areas of their life. We cannot assume that our ideas about dating apply to the specific emotional needs of a child, who may seek connection from a very different emotional plane.
At times, this exploration can be a healthy expression of emotional growth—provided there is someone who can offer support, security, and guidance. For parents and adults, this can be challenging, especially when their own desires were never fully expressed due to societal norms that suppressed such experiences or shut down curiosity before it could even be voiced. Many adults, having never had an outlet for their own emotional curiosities, now face the challenge of understanding their children’s evolving emotional needs. Consequently, some adults might prefer to counsel a teenager’s curiosity out of existence, even in a metropolitan setting like ours. On the other hand, many parents offer their children a safe space to explore these emotions, allowing for open conversations even if they didn’t have an environment which granted that. For this very reason, some parents and facilitators teach/guide/mentor/parent from a very different perspective.
There is an opportunity, though, to help young people exercise agency in their emotional development, learning what healthy connection looks like. Yet, fear often clouds these processes. The chance to learn about their bodies and develop a healthy relationship with them is often met with silence. The lesson that rejection does not equate to personal failure, but rather a normal part of life—something to be learned and navigated—remains largely unexplored. This could happen not just in the context of exams or friendships, but also in dating, yet these opportunities often pass unnoticed.
Certain conversations are critical, even if they are not part of the formal academic curriculum. Emotional literacy may not be formally taught, but its importance is confirmed again and again in the emotional distress that prevails among today’s youth. It’s essential for both parents and educators to recognise the importance of addressing these emotional concerns, creating an environment where teenagers feel heard and understood, rather than dismissed.
Teenage heartbreak, though often dismissed as a fleeting phase, can have a profound emotional impact on young people. It’s essential that we, as adults, recognise that for many teenagers, heartbreak is not merely about romantic love but also about their search for connection, validation, and understanding in a world that often feels disconnected. The emotional turmoil they experience—though at times seen as dramatic or trivial by adults—is a real and significant part of their growth. Navigating this heartbreak requires empathy, not judgment. When adults provide a safe space for teenagers to process these emotions, without fear of rejection or moral condemnation, they can help them learn resilience, emotional intelligence, and self-compassion.
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