Rohan’s father had promised that he would play with him in the evening. Rohan excitedly awaited his father’s return as the evening approached. But alas when his father returned after a busy day at the office he had completely forgotten about his commitment to his son! Expectedly this situations such as this leads to a withdrawal in the ‘emotional bank account’ of Rohan towards his father and stretches the already taut relationship.
Emotional bank account, a metaphor devised by Stephen Covey, an internationally respected leadership authority, family expert, teacher, organizational consultant, and author, refers to each one of us having a bank account with everyone with whom we interact closely. We have one with our spouse, with our children, with friends and co-workers, and they have one with us. When we have a large balance in our emotional bank account with others, relationships are strong and trust is high. When the balance is low or our account is overdrawn, relationships and trust suffer.
We make withdrawals from our account with others when we are jealous, angry, disappointed or disloyal. We make deposits when we keep our commitments, when we exceed expectations, when we meet needs and when we do little things that show our love and commitment.
As parents we are regarded as role models and it is our duty to make the necessary deposits into our children’s emotional bank accounts to enhance their trust in us and consequently enhancing the relationship.
6 ways of making deposits:
1.Understanding the Individual -Really seeking to understand another person is probably one of the most important deposits you can make is the key to every other deposit.
Taking time to listen and learn what is important to your children is a big deposit in their emotional bank accounts.
If your daughter tells you about her fight with her best friend, listen to her and make her feel she is being understood.
2. Attending to the Little Things-Little courtesies, kind words and warm smiles are at the heart of the little things that brighten up a relationship.
When your son tells you about how he spoke so well in the morning assembly, tell him how proud you are of him.
3. Keeping Commitments-Keeping a commitment or a promise is a major deposit.
There is probably not a more damaging withdrawal than to make a promise that is important to someone and then to fail it – the next time you make a promise, noone will not believe you.
So when you promise your daughter to take her out to her favourite restaurant , make sure you live upto it.
4. Clarifying Expectations- It’s important that the person with whom you are dealing with, knows exactly what is expected of him/her. Doing this will keep them out of the dark and allow them to relate with you confidently, knowing that what they are doing is in line with your expectations.
Communicate with your children on what is expected of them and listen to their expectations from you. Tell your adolescent child what is acceptable for his age and that there is a time for everything. If your children communicate that they want to be understood , listens to at times, give them that space. It may be better advise to listen more and speak less in such moments.
5. Showing Personal Integrity-Personal Integrity generates trust and is the basis of many different kinds of deposit.
Lack of Integrity can undermine almost any other effort to create high trust accounts.
Don’t talk about other people behind their backs with your children. The message it sends them is that when they are not there, you are likely talk about them too in the same way.
6. Apologizing Sincerely When You Make a Withdrawal- When we make withdrawals from the Emotional Bank Account, we need to apolozise and we need to do it sincerely.
Knowing when you are wrong and admitting your mistakes prevents the wounds that you’ve caused in others from festering and allows them to heal.
Sincere apologies make a deposit.
Repeating the same mistakes over and over again and then apologizing will probably be interpreted as insincerity and will be a withdrawal.
So if you can’t play with your child as promised because you had a hectic day at work then apologize sincerely and make up for it .
Some others options on deposits:
1. Tell your children that you love them ..“I love you” is easiest!
2. Give them the chance to make some decisions e.g. which tv channel to see , which place to choose for the next vacation
3. Encourage them with “I’m proud of you”.
4. Compliment them- “You look so beautiful/handsome today”.
5. Listen to glimpse their their fascinating thought processes
6. Believe in their dreams
7. And lastly , your child is never too old for a hug, kisses
These emotional investments are likely to fetch you much more than your financial investments, so wish you an overload of deposits in the years to come.
Sukhmeen Cheema
School Counsellor
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